There was a wee lad called Joe.
When he was young, if he had a fall, or anything 'bad' happened around him, his Mum would freak out, literally draw in her breath and totally react as if he had died!
Its not surprising that he learned at an early age to 'be careful'. His Mum was always telling him to do this. He didn't do it for himself. In fact, he was a bit puzzled about it. He did it for his Mum, because he hated to see her afraid.
He became a good little boy who never took chances in case he died right in front of his Mum. He learned that his Mum was much more relaxed and happy if he held in his natural instinct to run and climb and swing on ropes and speed down hills on his bike with no hands.
He learned only to do these things when she wasn't there, but, even then a 50% part of him felt tense about it. The part that doubted and believed his Mother's story that he might die.
This tense part stopped him really being able to judge what was dangerous because he would either be wary and think that everything was a danger (like his Mother's story) and this stiffened his muscles, causing slowness and more likelihood of accident, or he would rebel against tha, taking risks, getting a huge adrenalin rush to the point of feeling invincible, and have more near misses and accidents, and get addicted to the adrenalin.
If he had been picked up calmly after a fall, dusted down, given a wash and plaster, given a hug and had the danger calmly pointed out to him, how different would his behaviour have been after?
Possibly, he would have no tension at all while running, climbing and riding his bike, but he would be more aware from previous falls what risks there were, and could 100% enjoy the activity, be totally alert and act in safe way at the same time.
What did that 50% tension end up doing?
Did it really keep him safe, or did it stop him living life to the full?
Even worse, could it have hung around with him, being triggered over and over again every time he seen a 'risk'? Could it have spread to others around him when he grew up the way his Mother's fear did? Could he have found himself having to have a few too many drinks after he drove home in busy traffic to calm himself? Could he have found himself having to stick to a rigid routine to keep 'surprises' at bay? Could he have panicked each time his teenage daughter or son went out with their friends, because that 50% part felt like they might die? Could he have found himself trying to control everyone around him in order to minimise his own fear, even though he couldn't figure out what he was afraid of?
Then, after a while, after developing several addictions like alcohol, prescription drugs, work and computer games, insomnia and depression, he might have gone for therapy. The therapist might have told him that fear was normal and protected him from danger. They might have put his fear down to one or two of the many incidents he noticed in his life where he experienced fear. After talking these incidents through in detail (at £100 per hour!) and figuring out where he had made bad decisions, still his fear may have remained!
Why? Because it wasn't his fear to begin with! It was his Mother's!
And, guess what? His Mother's fear wasn't hers to begin with either! Ding ding!!
I meet lads and lassies like Joe all the time at my work! (But I don't charge £100 per hour!)
So, the next time you feel fear, don't try to analyse or judge it. Just find a way to calm it. We've all been carrying all this on for far too long! For generations!
Time to stop and live our life!
Find out the easy ways to do it on my website.
www.stressalternatives.co.uk.
Love and Plasters
Liz :)
Sunday 7 August 2011
Saturday 16 July 2011
What Will Be Will Be: My Lesson as a Parent and Carer
Thinking...for a change...about caring about something, especially that which we can't change but would dearly love to.
Like the past: all the daft things we've done or said and regret.
Or the weather. We can't change that, but we can still allow ourselves to get upset about it.
Or the actions of someone else, especially if it's someone we 'care' about or if what they do affects us.
How hard is it to 'not care'? To allow what will be to be?
A lot of our lives, we spend 'caring' or striving to achieve that level of excellence that will gratify us and stop the dissatisfaction of things not being perfect.
'Acceptance' is seen as a dirty word for losers and the mediocre.
But, you know what? Acceptance is not 'giving in' and putting up with 'just good enough'.
In mindfulness, it is a principle of seeing how things really are and letting go of the judgement of it...the 'caring' about it. In fact, having any opinion on it at all...just witnessing it.
It doesn't mean that you then do nothing about it and give in to the situation, because that brings you to despair and depression.
Acceptance is only meant to make you feel better and more relaxed about it, then you can decide what to do next from a more objective place. How to 'duck and dive' and get over the hurdle, rather than plough your way through it and knacker yourself.
Feeling better about anything that's happening in our life, or whatever has happened will lead us to be more flexible, objective, compassionate, more able to adjust and more able to choose the best course of action next.
If something bad does happen, it's better to calm down about it before we react. The old saying, 'count to ten' is so right....but not easy:)
Those who find it hardest to accept are folk who have always 'tried' hard and have often got their success from working, pushing, not giving up, controlling and sometimes manipulating, and 'caring' about what they are doing, and, as long as they get their way...(the 'right' way), they feel great. (Not sure about those around them!)
Even I do it....(surprising no-one I live with) after 21 years of being a mother....silly me! I even do it sometimes with my patients. 'But, of course you should care about your patients!', I hear my ego say! Not when 'caring' and controlling are confused as the same. That's not caring!
That's the carers' sickness really. Often it's really hard for some of us 'carers' to detach from the potential outcome of our therapeutic input with a patient, or our 'care' of a child or sick relative.
When we 'care' or 'attach', we either do too much for them, disempowering them, and draining ourselves, or get annoyed, frustrated or indignant that they don't do what we want, and get critical and judgemental of them, or, worse, reject or cut them off because 'we know best' what they should do in their lives. (Sometimes we may be right, but we won't persuade them we are if we judge them!)
So, should we just accept that some folk...God forbid...think differently from us, and the people we care about go to rack and ruin because of it? No!
But, we have to be in a more objective place before we can really be good at truly caring..This is finally dawning on me....better late than never!
If I feel OK about whatever is going on, even the horrendous news on TV....or horrenous TV for that matter!....or the injustices and corruption all around, or the state of the country's finances and healthcare, or all my own mistakes, and all those who have 'wronged' me, and all my losses and failures, and even about folks I believe to be doing things that are bad for them, I can be more helpful to myself and the world from that place of 'acceptance', because I can think straight about what to do for the best.
But I keep forgetting to feel OK....Wish I had a better memory! I guess I could accept that too:)
Take 'care'.
Liz
www.stressalternatives.co.uk
Like the past: all the daft things we've done or said and regret.
Or the weather. We can't change that, but we can still allow ourselves to get upset about it.
Or the actions of someone else, especially if it's someone we 'care' about or if what they do affects us.
How hard is it to 'not care'? To allow what will be to be?
A lot of our lives, we spend 'caring' or striving to achieve that level of excellence that will gratify us and stop the dissatisfaction of things not being perfect.
'Acceptance' is seen as a dirty word for losers and the mediocre.
But, you know what? Acceptance is not 'giving in' and putting up with 'just good enough'.
In mindfulness, it is a principle of seeing how things really are and letting go of the judgement of it...the 'caring' about it. In fact, having any opinion on it at all...just witnessing it.
It doesn't mean that you then do nothing about it and give in to the situation, because that brings you to despair and depression.
Acceptance is only meant to make you feel better and more relaxed about it, then you can decide what to do next from a more objective place. How to 'duck and dive' and get over the hurdle, rather than plough your way through it and knacker yourself.
Feeling better about anything that's happening in our life, or whatever has happened will lead us to be more flexible, objective, compassionate, more able to adjust and more able to choose the best course of action next.
If something bad does happen, it's better to calm down about it before we react. The old saying, 'count to ten' is so right....but not easy:)
Those who find it hardest to accept are folk who have always 'tried' hard and have often got their success from working, pushing, not giving up, controlling and sometimes manipulating, and 'caring' about what they are doing, and, as long as they get their way...(the 'right' way), they feel great. (Not sure about those around them!)
Even I do it....(surprising no-one I live with) after 21 years of being a mother....silly me! I even do it sometimes with my patients. 'But, of course you should care about your patients!', I hear my ego say! Not when 'caring' and controlling are confused as the same. That's not caring!
That's the carers' sickness really. Often it's really hard for some of us 'carers' to detach from the potential outcome of our therapeutic input with a patient, or our 'care' of a child or sick relative.
When we 'care' or 'attach', we either do too much for them, disempowering them, and draining ourselves, or get annoyed, frustrated or indignant that they don't do what we want, and get critical and judgemental of them, or, worse, reject or cut them off because 'we know best' what they should do in their lives. (Sometimes we may be right, but we won't persuade them we are if we judge them!)
So, should we just accept that some folk...God forbid...think differently from us, and the people we care about go to rack and ruin because of it? No!
But, we have to be in a more objective place before we can really be good at truly caring..This is finally dawning on me....better late than never!
If I feel OK about whatever is going on, even the horrendous news on TV....or horrenous TV for that matter!....or the injustices and corruption all around, or the state of the country's finances and healthcare, or all my own mistakes, and all those who have 'wronged' me, and all my losses and failures, and even about folks I believe to be doing things that are bad for them, I can be more helpful to myself and the world from that place of 'acceptance', because I can think straight about what to do for the best.
But I keep forgetting to feel OK....Wish I had a better memory! I guess I could accept that too:)
Take 'care'.
Liz
www.stressalternatives.co.uk
Friday 4 February 2011
Fixed!
Hey
Long time no write!
I blame facebook:) and life being amazing and becoming more amazing every day. You wouldn't think it from the outside, but there's a lot of stuff happening internally, and...any day now...!
I discovered 'meta-medicine', which helped me get into the ball park of the emotional cause for an irritating physical condition and I cured it with a simple process.
Fab! No drugs, remedies (although, believe me, I'd tried them all!) and it all took a few minutes. OMG!
It's amazing what you can achieve when you have an open mind! And good intention.
And you know, all I did was 'allow' as opposed to 'try'! But that takes getting yourself out of the way.
Anyway thanks to meta-medicine, and a visit to a past event and letting go of the emotion that was trapped at that point, I can go the whole night without goin to the loo...Ah joy!
www.metamedicine.com
Love Liz
Long time no write!
I blame facebook:) and life being amazing and becoming more amazing every day. You wouldn't think it from the outside, but there's a lot of stuff happening internally, and...any day now...!
I discovered 'meta-medicine', which helped me get into the ball park of the emotional cause for an irritating physical condition and I cured it with a simple process.
Fab! No drugs, remedies (although, believe me, I'd tried them all!) and it all took a few minutes. OMG!
It's amazing what you can achieve when you have an open mind! And good intention.
And you know, all I did was 'allow' as opposed to 'try'! But that takes getting yourself out of the way.
Anyway thanks to meta-medicine, and a visit to a past event and letting go of the emotion that was trapped at that point, I can go the whole night without goin to the loo...Ah joy!
www.metamedicine.com
Love Liz
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