Thinking...for a change...about caring about something, especially that which we can't change but would dearly love to.
Like the past: all the daft things we've done or said and regret.
Or the weather. We can't change that, but we can still allow ourselves to get upset about it.
Or the actions of someone else, especially if it's someone we 'care' about or if what they do affects us.
How hard is it to 'not care'? To allow what will be to be?
A lot of our lives, we spend 'caring' or striving to achieve that level of excellence that will gratify us and stop the dissatisfaction of things not being perfect.
'Acceptance' is seen as a dirty word for losers and the mediocre.
But, you know what? Acceptance is not 'giving in' and putting up with 'just good enough'.
In mindfulness, it is a principle of seeing how things really are and letting go of the judgement of it...the 'caring' about it. In fact, having any opinion on it at all...just witnessing it.
It doesn't mean that you then do nothing about it and give in to the situation, because that brings you to despair and depression.
Acceptance is only meant to make you feel better and more relaxed about it, then you can decide what to do next from a more objective place. How to 'duck and dive' and get over the hurdle, rather than plough your way through it and knacker yourself.
Feeling better about anything that's happening in our life, or whatever has happened will lead us to be more flexible, objective, compassionate, more able to adjust and more able to choose the best course of action next.
If something bad does happen, it's better to calm down about it before we react. The old saying, 'count to ten' is so right....but not easy:)
Those who find it hardest to accept are folk who have always 'tried' hard and have often got their success from working, pushing, not giving up, controlling and sometimes manipulating, and 'caring' about what they are doing, and, as long as they get their way...(the 'right' way), they feel great. (Not sure about those around them!)
Even I do it....(surprising no-one I live with) after 21 years of being a mother....silly me! I even do it sometimes with my patients. 'But, of course you should care about your patients!', I hear my ego say! Not when 'caring' and controlling are confused as the same. That's not caring!
That's the carers' sickness really. Often it's really hard for some of us 'carers' to detach from the potential outcome of our therapeutic input with a patient, or our 'care' of a child or sick relative.
When we 'care' or 'attach', we either do too much for them, disempowering them, and draining ourselves, or get annoyed, frustrated or indignant that they don't do what we want, and get critical and judgemental of them, or, worse, reject or cut them off because 'we know best' what they should do in their lives. (Sometimes we may be right, but we won't persuade them we are if we judge them!)
So, should we just accept that some folk...God forbid...think differently from us, and the people we care about go to rack and ruin because of it? No!
But, we have to be in a more objective place before we can really be good at truly caring..This is finally dawning on me....better late than never!
If I feel OK about whatever is going on, even the horrendous news on TV....or horrenous TV for that matter!....or the injustices and corruption all around, or the state of the country's finances and healthcare, or all my own mistakes, and all those who have 'wronged' me, and all my losses and failures, and even about folks I believe to be doing things that are bad for them, I can be more helpful to myself and the world from that place of 'acceptance', because I can think straight about what to do for the best.
But I keep forgetting to feel OK....Wish I had a better memory! I guess I could accept that too:)
Take 'care'.
Liz
www.stressalternatives.co.uk
Showing posts with label self help.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self help.. Show all posts
Saturday, 16 July 2011
Monday, 20 April 2009
How to Increase Your Emotional Pain and Keep it Alive!
The subject matter in this blog comes thanks to a fantastic mental health project in Edinburgh called Redhall Walled Garden, who asked me to give a talk. Thanks to the trainees for putting up with my awful acting, and for staying to the end! BTW they didn't ask me to increase their emotional pain as the title suggests!
Inavertantly, we do an amazing amount of things to keep our emotional pain alive. It's not our fault, like some people (including ourselves) may think. Most of us don't really have a deliberate self-destructive masochistic side to us! We just don't realise what we're doing. It's like when we have to deal with a naughty child that keeps bugging us wanting attention.
Here's some of the things we do in response to sadness, fear, anger, excessive guilt and embarrassment. The same can be applied to the naughty child!
1) Dreading it: We say things like, 'This should not be happening!'
2) Fighting it: Seems like a good idea, but it will be back! Negative attention is better than no attention. Ask a naughty child!
3) Feeling guilty about it: Using it as an excuse to beat ourselves up. Naughty children can spot this to get what they want a mile away!
4) Hiding it: Pretending that we're 'normal' by not having the pain. Actually, it's more normal to have pain.
5) Being proud of it: We relate to others who have similar pain. We get what we want by expressing it. We all need an identity. If only we could identify more with the positives in our lives.
6) Being scared of it: This one is curious! We're scared of being scared.....the double whammy! But, like the naughty child, we have to be in control of it or it takes control. We have to calm ourselves when the pain turns up to be able to deal with it.
7) Suppressing it: Shoving it away when it appears only makes it come back, or lurk about, generally making us uncomfortable.
8) Playing with it: This one gives us a buzz. It's like the fairground ride or the adventure game. That excitement we feel when we are angry or fearful.
9) Analysing it: Our pains become a subject of great fascination for not only ourselves, but for friends and particularly for our psychiatrists and therapists (me too!). Of course, the idea in analysing it is that we can understand and cope with them, but, like the naughty child, we reward the negative behaviour instead of the positive.
10) Being a victim to it: Getting depressed about it and letting it 'get' to us means that it has total control.
11) Tormenting yourself with it: This happens when it goes quiet. We can't believe that it's not there, so we poke it a bit and wake it up. We don't exactly miss it, but we're a bit lost and confused without it. Then we complain when it comes back!
12) Feeling we need it: The absolute delusion! We cling to it because we think we'll do reckless things without fear. Actually, it's the fear that makes us do the reckless things. Fight/flight reaction drains away blood from our rational mind, so we can't think clearly. 'Counting to ten' before we act isn't such a bad idea.
All of these responses only feed that pain. The problemitself isn't often the real problem. Sure, sadness, anger, fear, embarrassment and excess guilt are not nice, but we make them last longer and they become more persistant because of our response to them. The naughty child loves all that!
So, what calms the naughty child? Acknowledgement they exist, reassurance, love and clear, calm messages about what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.
Could we do the same to ourselves when we experience emotional pain? Acknowledge it, reassure ourselves it won't last, stop beating ourselves up for having it and give it a clear message that it's time to let go instead of letting it get to us.
Look at my website for my free ebook and articles that will help. www.stressalternatives.co.uk.
Liz Temple
Inavertantly, we do an amazing amount of things to keep our emotional pain alive. It's not our fault, like some people (including ourselves) may think. Most of us don't really have a deliberate self-destructive masochistic side to us! We just don't realise what we're doing. It's like when we have to deal with a naughty child that keeps bugging us wanting attention.
Here's some of the things we do in response to sadness, fear, anger, excessive guilt and embarrassment. The same can be applied to the naughty child!
1) Dreading it: We say things like, 'This should not be happening!'
2) Fighting it: Seems like a good idea, but it will be back! Negative attention is better than no attention. Ask a naughty child!
3) Feeling guilty about it: Using it as an excuse to beat ourselves up. Naughty children can spot this to get what they want a mile away!
4) Hiding it: Pretending that we're 'normal' by not having the pain. Actually, it's more normal to have pain.
5) Being proud of it: We relate to others who have similar pain. We get what we want by expressing it. We all need an identity. If only we could identify more with the positives in our lives.
6) Being scared of it: This one is curious! We're scared of being scared.....the double whammy! But, like the naughty child, we have to be in control of it or it takes control. We have to calm ourselves when the pain turns up to be able to deal with it.
7) Suppressing it: Shoving it away when it appears only makes it come back, or lurk about, generally making us uncomfortable.
8) Playing with it: This one gives us a buzz. It's like the fairground ride or the adventure game. That excitement we feel when we are angry or fearful.
9) Analysing it: Our pains become a subject of great fascination for not only ourselves, but for friends and particularly for our psychiatrists and therapists (me too!). Of course, the idea in analysing it is that we can understand and cope with them, but, like the naughty child, we reward the negative behaviour instead of the positive.
10) Being a victim to it: Getting depressed about it and letting it 'get' to us means that it has total control.
11) Tormenting yourself with it: This happens when it goes quiet. We can't believe that it's not there, so we poke it a bit and wake it up. We don't exactly miss it, but we're a bit lost and confused without it. Then we complain when it comes back!
12) Feeling we need it: The absolute delusion! We cling to it because we think we'll do reckless things without fear. Actually, it's the fear that makes us do the reckless things. Fight/flight reaction drains away blood from our rational mind, so we can't think clearly. 'Counting to ten' before we act isn't such a bad idea.
All of these responses only feed that pain. The problemitself isn't often the real problem. Sure, sadness, anger, fear, embarrassment and excess guilt are not nice, but we make them last longer and they become more persistant because of our response to them. The naughty child loves all that!
So, what calms the naughty child? Acknowledgement they exist, reassurance, love and clear, calm messages about what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.
Could we do the same to ourselves when we experience emotional pain? Acknowledge it, reassure ourselves it won't last, stop beating ourselves up for having it and give it a clear message that it's time to let go instead of letting it get to us.
Look at my website for my free ebook and articles that will help. www.stressalternatives.co.uk.
Liz Temple
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