What Will Be Will Be: My Lesson as a Parent and Carer

Thinking...for a change...about caring about something, especially that which we can't change but would dearly love to.
Like the past: all the daft things we've done or said and regret.
Or the weather. We can't change that, but we can still allow ourselves to get upset about it.
Or the actions of someone else, especially if it's someone we 'care' about or if what they do affects us.
How hard is it to 'not care'? To allow what will be to be?
A lot of our lives, we spend 'caring' or striving to achieve that level of excellence that will gratify us and stop the dissatisfaction of things not being perfect.
'Acceptance' is seen as a dirty word for losers and the mediocre.
But, you know what? Acceptance is not 'giving in' and putting up with 'just good enough'.
In mindfulness, it is a principle of seeing how things really are and letting go of the judgement of it...the 'caring' about it. In fact, having any opinion on it at all...just witnessing it.
It doesn't mean that you then do nothing about it and give in to the situation, because that brings you to despair and depression.
Acceptance is only meant to make you feel better and more relaxed about it, then you can decide what to do next from a more objective place. How to 'duck and dive' and get over the hurdle, rather than plough your way through it and knacker yourself.
Feeling better about anything that's happening in our life, or whatever has happened will lead us to be more flexible, objective, compassionate, more able to adjust and more able to choose the best course of action next.
If something bad does happen, it's better to calm down about it before we react. The old saying, 'count to ten' is so right....but not easy:)
Those who find it hardest to accept are folk who have always 'tried' hard and have often got their success from working, pushing, not giving up, controlling and sometimes manipulating, and 'caring' about what they are doing, and, as long as they get their way...(the 'right' way), they feel great. (Not sure about those around them!)
Even I do it....(surprising no-one I live with) after 21 years of being a mother....silly me! I even do it sometimes with my patients. 'But, of course you should care about your patients!', I hear my ego say! Not when 'caring' and controlling are confused as the same. That's not caring!
That's the carers' sickness really. Often it's really hard for some of us 'carers' to detach from the potential outcome of our therapeutic input with a patient, or our 'care' of a child or sick relative.
When we 'care' or 'attach', we either do too much for them, disempowering them, and draining ourselves, or get annoyed, frustrated or indignant that they don't do what we want, and get critical and judgemental of them, or, worse, reject or cut them off because 'we know best' what they should do in their lives. (Sometimes we may be right, but we won't persuade them we are if we judge them!)
So, should we just accept that some folk...God forbid...think differently from us, and the people we care about go to rack and ruin because of it? No!
But, we have to be in a more objective place before we can really be good at truly caring..This is finally dawning on me....better late than never!
If I feel OK about whatever is going on, even the horrendous news on TV....or horrenous TV for that matter!....or the injustices and corruption all around, or the state of the country's finances and healthcare, or all my own mistakes, and all those who have 'wronged' me, and all my losses and failures, and even about folks I believe to be doing things that are bad for them, I can be more helpful to myself and the world from that place of 'acceptance', because I can think straight about what to do for the best.
But I keep forgetting to feel OK....Wish I had a better memory! I guess I could accept that too:)
Take 'care'.
Liz
www.stressalternatives.co.uk

Gratitude and Giving

Hey
You know when you were young, your parents, teachers and grown ups would tell you what was right and wrong?

If you were lucky, they'd tell you it's good to give, it's good to say thank you and please, and to be kind to one another.

It's just as well we knew what was 'right' in our house, because with 3 girls (I was the oldest and the bully!), we were often fighting, being selfish and being downright cruel to each other. Our 'dark' side would regularly rear its merry head causing 'hell' in our otherwise happy home.

I didn't know how lucky I was to have this kind of guidance as I was growing up. Sometimes it felt like I was always bad, that guilt was my best friend...well, actually it was! It was not only my most frequent 'bad' feeling but it stopped me from being too selfish and uncaring.

Giving to others didn't come naturally to me, so when I gave, it exercised my 'giving' muscles bit by bit (though I still have a long way to go! having 3 kids has helped this too!) i.e. I get to open my heart which has a tendency to keep shutters up a lot. (Well I do come from the heart disease capital of the world!).

If we read any of the big religions or the 'new age' literature, giving, thanking or praising is big. In fact, its meant to be a frequent, daily practice.

We all need our heart muscles metaphorically exercised as well as physically. In fact, doesn't exercise cure depression? I know why. being grateful and giving also cures it if we make it a regular habit. It helps us focus on the positive, and the more we do it, the stronger it gets.

Of course, its hard to begin with and it can feel like we're a 'tall poppy' among the 'Victor Meldrews', but watch out for the good things just getting bigger and bigger!

Then, after a time we get to be grateful for the seemingly bad things that happen too (some cynics may call this delusion!), but its all life! We have a choice (Adam and Eve?) to choose gratitude and giving, or anger and victim mentality.

I'm still doing the latter far too much, but I keep exercising!

Thanks Mum!

Have a look at my gratitude script in my free ebook. Chapter 4.

www.stressalternatives.co.uk.